i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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