Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
