I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
