I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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