break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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