Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
