no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I woke up under a house in Key West
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
