My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
