I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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