Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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