i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
