god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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