well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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