what if every blade of grass was a penis?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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