The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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