got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Randomize
