There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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