you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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