got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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