i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
