my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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