If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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