Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
