Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He better not be in your backpack
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
