Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just cut my nipple shaving
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize