Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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