God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
