My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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