Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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