the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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