I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize