in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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