For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize