he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
