The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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