I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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