I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
So much rum. So many feels.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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