They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
