So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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