I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
