The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
