Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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