He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
This is classic penis vs brain.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
