I wish my penis had an off switch
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
