Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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