I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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