The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
