i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
It's like God shit irony all over that family
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
