My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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