I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
