I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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