Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
