He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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