I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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