dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
