Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
