Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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