I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I want to fling myself into the sun
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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